Oh God, I’m not anxious to snuff it,
but when the Grim Reaper reaps me,
I’ll try to rely on
my vision of Zion;
I know how I want it to be.
As soon as You greet me in Heaven,
and ask what I’d like, I shall say,
“I just want a chance
for my spirit to dance;
I want to be able to play.
Tell the angels to build a soft playground
designed and equipped just for me.
With a vertical slide
that’s abnormally wide
and oceans of green PVC.
There’ll be reinforced netting to climb on,
and rubberized floors that will bend.
And no one can die
so I needn’t be shy
if I’m tempted to land on a friend!
I’m gonna go mad in the soft, squashy mangle,
and balmy with balls in the swamp
colored and spherical,
I’ll be hysterical!
I’ll have a heavenly romp!
There’ll be cushions and punch bags and tires
in purple and yellow and red,
and a mushroomy thing
that will suddenly sing
if I kick it or sit on its head.
There’ll be fountains of squash and ribena
to feed my continual thirst,
and none of that stuff
about “You’ve had enough,”
surely heavenly bladders won’t burst.
I suppose I might be too tall for the entrance
but Lord, chuck the rules in the bin.
If I am too large,
tell the angel in charge
to let me bow down and come in.
– Adrian Plass
Adrian PlassAdrian PlassAdrian Plass (born Tunbridge Wells, 1948) is a British author and speaker who writes primarily Christian humour, but also short stories, Bible commentaries and novels with a more serious tone.
His most popular books are a series concerning The Sacred Diary of Adrian Plass which is a humorous, fictional satire of Christian life and which has sold over a million copies worldwide.
He worked as a residential child care worker with disadvantaged children for several years before suffering a breakdown and then embarking on a career as a writer. The first thing he ever wrote was “The Visit”, a novella in which a fictional local church in England is visited by Jesus (published in England originally as part of the short stories collection The Final Boundary, but as a standalone illustrated edition in 1999). The German translation of this novella, “Der Besuch”, was made into a 40 minutes film in 2006. He recorded some of his experiences as a youth worker in the fictionalised Broken Windows, Broken Lives.
Plass’ most popular book The Sacred Diary of Adrian Plass Aged 37¾, the title of which parodies Sue Townsend’s Adrian Mole books, is a humorous, fictional satire of Christian life. Plass followed this up with The Horizontal Epistles of Andromeda Veal in 1988 and The Theatrical Tapes of Leonard Thynn in 1989 to create the Sacred Diary Trilogy. He returned to the Sacred Diary proper with a sequel in 1996, called The Sacred Diary of Adrian Plass Christian Speaker Aged 45 3⁄4, in which as a prominent Christian speaker he tours Australia with his fictional wife Anne and son Gerald. A third in the series, The Sacred Diary of Adrian Plass, on Tour: Aged Far Too Much to Be Put on the Front Cover of a Book was published in 2004. By 2005 this series had sold over a million copies worldwide.
He travels around the UK and the world as a speaker. Some of his early talks and sketches are brought together in the books Cabbages for the King (1993) and Clearing Away the Rubbish (1988).
From 2001 to 2006, Plass teamed up with Focus on the Family Radio Theatre in their original miniseries Father Gilbert Mysteries to provide the voice of the lead character, Father Louis Gilbert, a former London police detective who became an Anglican priest and now solves spiritual mysteries in the fictional Sussex village of Stonebridge.
In 2006, Plass published his book Blind Spots in the Bible, in which he looks at forty passages in the Bible that have troubled him in the past. Reviewing this book, The Church Times said that he “treated the biblical text with kid gloves” so the investigation is personal application with “a great deal of autobiographical material (probably too much)”, and concludes that “there is a great deal to mull over”. The Church of England Newspaper says that “although it would be unrealistic to claim that Plass has solved all the mysteries, he does offer interesting theories which lead to one major conclusion”, that is “a Caring God”, and concludes there is “much to think about”, although fundamentalist Christians may not agree with the author